I’ve recently started therapy again, with a new therapist, to help process some old traumas and re-learn some behaviors. During our intake appointment, I gave her a short run-down of notable events in my life, different things I’ve struggled with, and where I’m at currently. I struggled to answer some of her questions, particularly “how do you identify?” She was looking for me to throw out some labels I feel I belong to, but even then I struggled. At the time, I misunderstood her question, and only later when I got home did I understand what she meant.
Had I gotten it, I would’ve told her that I am a mother, a caregiver, a woman, a wife, and a member of the Autism community.
She picked up on my tone regarding my college education and degree choice. I think it sounded like cynicism. I was unable to explain at the time that what she was hearing wasn’t a reflection of my dissatisfaction with not using my Computer Science degree, but a reflexive thing I’ve learned to do so that I’m not judged too harshly. I am trying to be more conscious of it, trying to unlearn this auto-reply. It has taken so much work to be honest with myself and others about what I want. There was so much shame for so long over wanting more simple things for myself. There was so much shame in sharing that I never, in fact, wanted a big career, that I never wanted to live to work.
I think American society does quite a number on indoctrinating us with those sorts of “dreams” from a very early age. All of our lives we’re told that our value as individuals comes from our productivity, and that there is a direct correlation with a person’s moral values and their income. It’s taken so much to feel confident enough to admit to others that I don’t ever want to go back to school for a Master’s, that I enjoy the menial task of DoorDashing, that my passion and calling is to be a mother and caregiver. Obviously, you do what you gotta do to survive and thrive, but I will never pursue a field outside of my own passion or need for income. I will never choose a career for the sake of clout, power, influence, and owning more than what my family and I need. That is not what life should be about and it’s been a hell of a trip getting to the point where I can say these things out loud.
Yet, I reflexively communicated that there is shame in not having used my degree, that there is shame in not having even attempted to pursue the illustrious career of “Web Developer” or “Software Engineer”. But there is no shame. By the time I was done with school–and I barely finished–I was done with the topic. I have no regrets in never having used my education. I have no regrets in having only ever had jobs and not a career. A career label is not a label I care to have. I have my labels. I like my labels. And I am back in therapy because I want to make my voice stronger, so that I commit less of these conditioned responses and more honest about who I am and what I’m about. So that I am not afraid to be who I am and take up space as I am.
I am a Mother, a Caregiver, a Woman, a Wife, and a member of the Autism community.
The Terrible Two 