Author Archives: Natalie Wood

The Actually Autistic and Neurodiversity movement have become pretty extreme lately, largely thanks to poorly thought-out catch phrases and TikTok. I’m talking about “there is no severe autism”, “all ABA is abusive”, and “self-diagnosis is valid” extreme.

Let’s be clear:

1. There most certainly is severe autism (level 3 autism, low-functioning autism, or whatever term you want to describe my son and some of the kids I have personally worked with). These are the people who need the most support. They cannot advocate for themselves. If you’re going to speak for them, it better be in terms which help maintain or increase their supports.
2. ABA has the same potential to become abusive as any other therapy or institution which works with children and the IDD population. It is not special in that regard.
3. Self-diagnosis is never valid, as it is never objective (done by professionals, with education and experience, who have ethical guidelines to follow, who do not have a relationship with you). Yes, there is social-financial disparity regarding access to healthcare, resulting in many possibly undiagnosed individuals. The solution is not to suddenly title yourself with a medical diagnosis, often for online clout, and possibly interfering with the resources and supports for those who really need it (like the severely autistic, which apparently didn’t exist). If you think you are autistic, stop identifying as autistic. The correct term would be “possibly autistic”, “suspected autist”, etc–you get the point. Identifying as autistic isn’t going to get you support and resources. It skews the big picture, impacting the resources available to the most vulnerable.

I’m going to start identifying as #ActuallyAllistic since we can all just pick and choose whether or not we have a disability. I identify as neurotypical, and it’s extremely ablist to offer me support for a diagnosed condition (please read with very heavy sarcasm).

I’ve recently started therapy again, with a new therapist, to help process some old traumas and re-learn some behaviors. During our intake appointment, I gave her a short run-down of notable events in my life, different things I’ve struggled with, and where I’m at currently. I struggled to answer some of her questions, particularly “how do you identify?” She was looking for me to throw out some labels I feel I belong to, but even then I struggled. At the time, I misunderstood her question, and only later when I got home did I understand what she meant.

Had I gotten it, I would’ve told her that I am a mother, a caregiver, a woman, a wife, and a member of the Autism community.

She picked up on my tone regarding my college education and degree choice. I think it sounded like cynicism. I was unable to explain at the time that what she was hearing wasn’t a reflection of my dissatisfaction with not using my Computer Science degree, but a reflexive thing I’ve learned to do so that I’m not judged too harshly. I am trying to be more conscious of it, trying to unlearn this auto-reply. It has taken so much work to be honest with myself and others about what I want. There was so much shame for so long over wanting more simple things for myself. There was so much shame in sharing that I never, in fact, wanted a big career, that I never wanted to live to work.

I think American society does quite a number on indoctrinating us with those sorts of “dreams” from a very early age. All of our lives we’re told that our value as individuals comes from our productivity, and that there is a direct correlation with a person’s moral values and their income. It’s taken so much to feel confident enough to admit to others that I don’t ever want to go back to school for a Master’s, that I enjoy the menial task of DoorDashing, that my passion and calling is to be a mother and caregiver. Obviously, you do what you gotta do to survive and thrive, but I will never pursue a field outside of my own passion or need for income. I will never choose a career for the sake of clout, power, influence, and owning more than what my family and I need. That is not what life should be about and it’s been a hell of a trip getting to the point where I can say these things out loud.

Yet, I reflexively communicated that there is shame in not having used my degree, that there is shame in not having even attempted to pursue the illustrious career of “Web Developer” or “Software Engineer”. But there is no shame. By the time I was done with school–and I barely finished–I was done with the topic. I have no regrets in never having used my education. I have no regrets in having only ever had jobs and not a career. A career label is not a label I care to have. I have my labels. I like my labels. And I am back in therapy because I want to make my voice stronger, so that I commit less of these conditioned responses and more honest about who I am and what I’m about. So that I am not afraid to be who I am and take up space as I am.

I am a Mother, a Caregiver, a Woman, a Wife, and a member of the Autism community.

Not all autism is genius, trains, and social phobia. To whatever degree you are affected by it, it is a lifelong disability with very scary statistics. There is so much that can and does go wrong, especially when your child can’t talk and has minimal understanding of language.

I have worked with kids who regularly disrobe and run away from home while it’s snowing outside. Kids who are “old enough to know better” but still try to drink toilet water. Teens who engaged in public masturbation. A client who needed their stomach pumped after ingesting batteries. One who filled their home with holes on the walls made with their own head.

Probably the most dangerous and problematic issue we deal with with Hadrian is the pica. Other than eating bits of paper, plastic, string, and random leaves & berries he finds outside, Hadrian has eaten a large caterpillar, trash from the street, snowmelt, prescription pills, cleaning products, hygiene products, cat litter, cigarette butts, and today, Krazy Glue. Guys, there are four adults in this household. There is always someone watching him. We have locks on everything. Baby gates everywhere. He still finds a way. It’s impossible to monitor him 24/7. Especially as he gets smarter.

I have arranged my whole life and days around him and being able to supervise him. Even then, there’s only so much I can do, so much we can all do. I fear leaving him with others. I know there are other parents of kids on the spectrum going through the same thing. I used to see them in local groups talking about the fear of having a life outside the house. The fear of taking their child anywhere. I used to think they were exaggerating, that there has to be a way around things. But here I am, coming to the same point a lot sooner than I thought we ever would. What life is this for us, his family? What life is this for him?

This is why it’s a disability and not some cute identity so many adults eagerly claim these days. This is why support and funding is needed. Why awareness is needed. This is Autism.